Cry !_!

Please note that this blog is written when tears are flowing, vision is blurry, hands are sticky due to tears. You all must forgive for watever nonsense and wrong words that I may use. I am so sorry.
I really need some1 to be by my side right NOW to lend me the shoulders to cry on. My dear friends, why are u all so so far away? I really need the shoulders, or the voice. Not virtual plz.
Why must we all hurt the one who love the most?? WHY?
Quoting my mum,'why are you so nice you your friends? Do remember that family is the one always at your side.'
So mum why must you walked into this computer room, gave me the kinda stare and talked to me in that kind of tone, though i know it springs from concern, and told me ,'plz sleep early. U are always online nowadays.
My explanations of 'i am completing my patient interview essay-I have sieved through the net for days and IMU library for the info and my brain cells are triggered now. Finally-1000 words already and the grey cells are still bustling with ideas' does NOT satisfy her at all.
More nagging in the interoggating and questioning tone- you tell me it is not that you don't trust me, yet your tone shows otherwise!!You think that I am addicted to MSN like some1 who is hooked on drugs, yet it is NOT. I know I have work on hands, and I have prioritised.
'so you DO know u have work to do, but i notice u are in front of the computer very often. I know your frens on their com 24 hours,
and my answer of 'That's why i never watch tv on weekdays nowadays. My source of de-stress is online, where i can find frens whom i can have heartfelt talks with. Some1 who can connect with me study wise, perspective wise, some1 who can motivate me, make me laugh and tease me all the same. I don't find such frens in IMU. heck, i don't even feel at ease with those guys.' (something liddat i spoke to mum in mxsed mandarin n english) seems to trigger more intense emotion.
'u DON'T go about talking about how terrible those guys are you know. It is not nice'
'mum i DON't TALK to them like that. I have to be comforted by steph one fine day when he made me cry. it is just that when i tell ppl about it, it is ok if they dun understand, just LEAVE ME ALONE. Don't attempt to attack me by siding the guys.'
I dunno how intensed and the whole argument got heated up, with me being an unfaithful, most despicable daughter who raised her voice and talked back amidst the crying. I can't help it, coz I feel like I have been BLAMED for something which i didn't commit at all.
She even wanna talk about the phone call that I gave her at 7 pm plus today. Dad, mum and sis were on the way back from klang, i was doing work in front of the com. As i distinctly remembered one sis saying we eating out at night, I called mum. It was 7 pluz, they are not back yet, and I am wondering if i need to change. Coz if we are going out, my guess is we are leaving home as soon as they arrive from klang.
So she banged me on the call-'did u know dat i am sick? u still wanna go out to eat?"
my reply 'i only knew at the dining hall just now when u scolded yvonne. The phone call was meant to clarify things. Thats all. I heard one sis saying we dining out.'
Still she got thigns to say, sth like 'why cant u use your logic? i have been out the whole day... bla bla bla'
Then I dunno when munling and serene came into this room. Dunno how mum said sth like i dun love the family!! So I HAD to pour out sth 'I bought the mothers day card when i bought ling's bday card b4 8th april. I got it all written out, helped yvonne and serene in their lines too. U call me not having hearts for u? I even asked you and daddy to kiara park this morning as a bonding session. Why can't you respect me? trust me? why are u condeming me? Ever since that nite, i VOWed that was the 1st and final time i was gonna be online till 7am. I told sara, i told chee wei.. I told my friends already.'
The atmosphere was filled with firecrackers, TNT and all the explosives you can think of. I was already hurting and beggin them to leave the room, so as to leave me alone. I wanna complete my essay and i wanna have my own time of reflection.
I told mum sth like, ' can we talk another time?since we gonna end up shouting and raising our voices. Why must we strain our ties which have been forged at this time? you know I am an emotional person and I can't switch my angry tone right back to the normal one. I can't If i can, I will do psychiatry.So can u leave me alone?
And my dearest munling just had to add oil to fire by saying, 'SO? you are emotional, SO? plz be considerate!!'and then she gave me this kind of SMIRK which stabbed my heart.
And her bday is on thurs-i already made one artwork -a collection of photos of me n her, developed last week. U call me not considerate and thoughtful?
Only when DAD the superman came up that i got to seek my own solace, cry out my feelings and blogged about it. up to know, I have just 'spoken' to dearest sara and brandon. After all the reflection and outpours here, the vision ain't blurry anymore.
Time to pick youself up and finish the essay. Tomorrow, hopefully, will bring you more rays of sunshine.